How to Teach Your Child to Problem-Solve
- Melissa Booth-Simonsen
- Feb 8, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 10, 2022
Recently my daughter was trying to make a little notebook. She went on Canva and made a cute little notebook cover and back page, and she was ready to staple it all together with some blank paper in the middle. We have two staplers - one that NEVER works. It jams or simply won't staple at all (why don't we throw it away!?), and one that works. She had the one that didn't. Soon enough, I could hear grunting and frustrated yelling. When I checked in on what was going on, she began to yell, "I SPENT ALL THAT TIME, AND NOW I CAN'T EVEN MAKE MY BOOK!" and then started to shut down.
Have you had this happen? Your child is trying to do something and instantly jumps to frustration and giving up when it doesn't work on the first try? Do you jump right in and help them? I know that I do way more often than I should. I wanted to point out she had the bad stapler, not the good one. Or I could have just done it for her. Instead, I paused. I'm making a change to teach my child to problem solve, increase persistence, and build resilience.
First, let's talk about how problem solving, persistence, and resilience are critical skills to teach our children.
Problem-solving
Problem-solving skills help us handle unexpected situations or complex challenges. Through problem-solving, we are identifying potential solutions to a problem. Finding solutions when problems arise is crucial to developing independence skills.
Persistence
Persistence is the ability to keep working at something even when it is hard. If you cannot persist in a task, learning new things or developing new skills is all but impossible. Persistence is a skill that is innate to us all but may change over time. Think about a baby that is learning to walk. How many times do they try before they succeed? Without persistence, the baby would never learn to walk. Our learning histories can dictate how much we may persist in an activity. If someone swoops in to fix a problem or make a challenging task easier too quickly, persistence may decrease overall, leading to a person that stops when the going gets tough.
Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. Think of it as getting back on the horse after falling off or trying out for the team after being told no.
The ability to find solutions (problem-solving), keep trying (persistence), and to try again (resilience) are essential skills to our children's successful future.
I had a friend in high school who desperately wanted to be in colour guard - the group that performs with a band on the field, usually with flags or other props. She tried out every year and did not make it until her third year. She made the team in college and even professionally taught a colour guard team for a time before I lost touch with her. I remember being so impressed that she kept trying out for something even after failing. Without persistence and resilience, my friend would never have been able to live a dream of hers.
By teaching our children to problem-solve, we are also teaching persistence and resilience. We are giving them the tools to figure out a challenging situation. We are teaching them to try different methods, to figure out what is important to them, and how to get there.
So how do we do teach problem-solving, persistence, and resilience?
Well, first, we stop swooping in to solve problems. I am so guilty of this.
It can be hard to watch our children struggle. Even harder is to help them problem-solve themselves when it would take 2 seconds for me to solve the problem for them. However, if I am in line with my values of preparing my child for a successful future, I must take the time to cultivate problem-solving skills now. So, take a deep breath, and let's dive in.
You see your child struggling. Maybe they yell out in frustration or throw the item causing their trouble. Take that deep breath, and label what you are seeing. You can say something like, "It looks like the stapler isn't working for you. That's making you mad." or "Ugh, those legos just won't want to stay together!" Labelling or narrating the situation diffuses the situation just a tiny bit. Enough for you to move to the next part.
Tell them, "It looks you have a problem!" They might start to talk through the problem at this point on their own, especially if you've already done this a few times. However, if they don't suggest, "what are some things you might try?" If they are not able to list out any possible solutions, you can point out anything they've already tried, like, "Yelling at the stapler didn't make it work better" or "throwing your legos made the whole thing break apart. How did that work out?" (Careful with your tone here. Make sure it is coming out in a neutral narrating way, rather than in a condescending judging manner.) Then add, "what else could you try?"
Try to let them develop some solutions independently, but if they aren't sure what to suggest, you might want to throw some suggestions out. Hold back on judging any potential solution as 'good' or 'bad' at the moment. You will identify that next.
If one of their solutions is to ask for help, do just that. Only help as much as is needed to do the task themselves.
Once your child has listed out 2-4 possible solutions to their problem, help them think through the possible outcomes or consequences of the problem. Take one of their suggestions at a time and ask them to think through how that might work out for them. Once you have gone through them all, pick one to try out.
Here's what some problem-solving scenarios might look like:
Problem: Sibling keeps taking my toys
Solutions:
Take the toy back,
Find something for the sibling to play with instead,
Tell a parent
Consequences/outcomes:
sibling will cry
the sibling might like the new toy
mom/dad will help the sibling
Problem: Stapler will not staple the paper
Solutions:
yell and throw it,
ask for help,
find another way to attach paper
Consequences/outcomes:
paper still not stapled,
get the paper stapled,
may find an even better way to make the book
Problem: Lego structure keeps coming apart
Solutions:
throw it and yell,
build something different,
ask for help to figure out why the structure is coming apart
Consequences/outcomes:
breaks it even more,
feels more successful but didn't build what was planned,
may find a way to build what was planned
Once implemented and complete, you can check in with your child on whether they got the outcome they expected to based on their problem-solving. Debriefing in this way can help them understand how they went from a frustrating situation to resolved problem. Done regularly, your child will develop their problem-solving skills while increasing persistence and resiliency.
After walking through the problem-solving steps, I was able to help my daughter find the good stapler and reload it with staples. She was able to create her book. The next day, she made new notebooks for her dad and me. This time she used an alternate method of putting the books together by punching holes in the paper, and tying it together with paper ribbon, which I think turned out great.
Give it a try, and let me know how it goes!
I wrote a workbook with this information. It contains a helpful worksheet that you can use when working on your child's problem-solving skills. Print out a few copies of the worksheet to put together a little book of problem-solving skills for your child (I hope YOUR stapler is working!). You can get a copy of the workbook here.
Do you want more helpful tips for becoming the parent you always wanted to be? Follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest for more content.
I'm Melissa, and I'm a parent coach. With over 20 years of experience, I help parents use behaviour science and mindfulness to find balance in parenting, increase cooperation, and create a joyful parenting relationship.
Email me today to find out more information about how I can help you. melissa@positivestrategies.co.uk
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