My Number 1 Tip for Managing HUGE Behaviours

Have you ever been in the store when your child erupts with the biggest tantrum, meltdown, or emotional outburst you have ever seen?

Or have you had your child explode while visiting family or friends?

Your first thought might be, what is happening? My kid doesn't act like this? You are mortified. Then you jump into trying to smother the behaviour as quickly as you can.

Only, this DOES NOT WORK.

Your child digs in harder and screams even louder. You become aware of all the eyes on you. Maybe you start with your gentle approach, but more likely, you try anything to get the behaviour to stop at this point.

I have a trick for managing this. Wait.

Yes, that's it. That's all. Just wait.

Now, I can hear you grumbling about it, but hear me out.

I started a job at a brain injury rehab hospital just a couple of years after I got my Masters degree and became a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA). It was the first time I've worked with adults and the first time I wasn't working alongside a team of behaviour analysts. I was also fighting a culture in which a patient would be prompted twice, then "helped". And when I say helped, I mean they physically escorted the client to wherever it should be, whether to therapy, to their rooms, or out of a no-patient area.

The rehab hospital was a new facility, so we had few patients at the beginning. One of the first patients was this kind, older gentleman who had hit his head during a fall and had some issues with dementia. Memory issues were a big thing. He would sometimes forget where he was, who he was, and what he was doing. Managed poorly, this meant he could become combative.

On Fridays, we went on outings with the clients to go to museums, bowling, out to eat, to the park, etc. On one Friday, we returned to the facility in the van, and he refused to get out. He was tired and confused. The techs gave him a couple of opportunities to exit the van. The techs physically moved him off the van when the patient did not get out independently. They sat him in a wheelchair preventing him from getting up. Then wheeled him up to his room crying, humiliated, and broken. This was 15 years ago now, and I can still see the pleading in his eyes for me to help him and stop what was happening. I regret to this day not having done something then. However, it led to one of the biggest lessons I've ever had in managing challenging behaviour.

A few weeks later, almost the same situation presented itself. The guys were ready to haul him off the van again. This time I stopped them, asked them to leave, and along with another staff, we sat and waited. While we waited, we calmly chatted together, occasionally directing the conversation towards the gentleman. In less than 10 minutes, he was calm, oriented to the moment, and ready to return to the facility. We escorted him off the van and back to his room so that he could rest. It was a completely different story and one that, to this day, I feel proud of.

Now, you are probably thinking, that's nice, Melissa, but that was just one time, and it was with an adult!

I'm here to tell you that I've used this technique dozens of times. I've taught hundreds of parents, behaviour techs, and other professionals to use it. And it works.

Sure, sometimes it takes more than 5-10 minutes, especially in the beginning. Still, I've found that situations resolved using the waiting it out calmly method take less than if you went in to "manage" the behaviour in some other way.

I often get an argument against this: "doesn't doing nothing about the behaviour mean that I'm okay with the behaviour?" Nope. It doesn't. You also aren't doing nothing. You are waiting.

Besides, when you do something about the behaviour like give threats, yell, manage them physically, does that actually help? Maybe you sometimes manage to wrangle them out of the store that way when they are small, but did it teach them something? Did you both walk away from the situation feeling good about yourselves? About each other? When you add your emotional chaos to their emotional chaos, you just get something a whole lot bigger. It damages your relationship, doesn't feel good, and in the long run, they don't learn to self-regulate anyway. Don't join the circus.

While you are waiting, you are there. You are being present for your child. If your child can hear you and listen (such as when they are starting to calm down), you can throw out a statement acknowledging their emotions and frustration. Something like, "That sure made you angry when I said no. I see that. And I'm here for you." Or, "Something isn't feeling right in your body. I'm here when you are ready for a hug."

I've been there and know that waiting is a tricky proposition. You can feel other people's staring eyes on you and your child, judging your lack of action, judging your child for behaving that way. First off, there are usually way fewer people staring at you than you think there are. Second, the staring and judging get worse when you join your child's chaos. And finally, most people have been there and done that and aren't really judging you or your child.

Most likely, they are sending you wavelengths of strength to "hang in there".

After making sure that your child and others are safe, take a minute to just breathe. Count to 10. Feel the breaths move down to your belly. Breathing out for longer than you breath has been shown to communicate to your nervous system to be calm. Concentrating on your breath gives you something to focus on rather than thinking of all the people watching or becoming wrapped up in your child's chaos.

When your child starts to show signs of calming, you can make a statement noticing that like, "you were really mad, but I see you are getting calmer by taking deep breaths." Reassure that you are there for them. You can add, "let me know when you are ready to _____." Fill in the blank with whatever boundary you set for them. Then continue to wait until they are ready.

This may take a while the first few times you try it, particularly if you are working on breaking a cycle of kid chaos causing parent chaos. They may hold out a bit longer to see if they can get you to join their chaos. But don't do it! Just breathe and wait.

Give it a try, and let me know how it goes!

You've got this!

Check out my FREE downloadable workbook: 5-step Formula for Getting Your Kids to Listen. This is a fantastic method for preventing the big blow ups from even happening! Get your copy by clicking here.

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I'm Melissa, and I'm a parent coach. With over 20 years of experience, I help parents use behaviour science and mindfulness to find balance in parenting, increase cooperation, and create a joyful parenting relationship.

Email me today to find out more information about how I can help you. melissa@positivestrategies.co.uk

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